Brighton

The salty water shrouded me in an aromatic mist. The force of its rage towards the shoreline did enough to carry the droplets inland and onto my surprised expression. Some parts impressed, some parts depressed. From above, a different kind of water fell. From all sides the weather was reminding me that it’s best to go to the sea side in Britain with an open mind and a water proof coat.

In 2003, someone set fire to Brighton’s West Pier. The potent combination of wood and candy floss generated an unstoppable inferno. It’s the sort of event that has even the most liberal souls calling for the return of the death penalty. But whodunnit? Well no one knows for sure, but many of Brighton’s more seasoned residents have claimed the owners of the rival pier, on which I was standing, set the blaze alight. They and their 2p machines had so much to gain, literally 10s of pounds of profit. The resilient carcass of West Pier stands amongst choppy waters to this day. Some might say it remains only to haunt its rival pier, and be in Instagram posts. It is proud, tragic and magnificent.

King George IV loved Brighton. And that is all I know about him. To ensure maximum comfort and minimal distance to the beach, he had this palace constructed. According to the guidebook, it was created in the Indo-Saracenic style. Can a building be guilty of cultural appropriation? Because if we’re looking for contenders this is a prime candidate. Queen Victoria preferred to summer in the Isle of Wight, whilst she was Empress of India. She sold the pavilion to Brighton Council for £5m. According to the former Queen, the people of Brighton “[were] very indiscreet and troublesome”.

For those that live outside of the UK, it is easy to hear talk of the rain and believe it is therefore not worth the trip. But those in the know are aware that the answer lies in taking refuge in a fireplace-warmed pub, with stained carpets and worn wooden features. To go to such a place with the sun shining would be considered sinful, but when it’s raining, who can blame you? Safe in the knowledge that you won't be judged, you can sit back and enjoy a pint of whichever foamy warm beer takes your fancy. If you order a Carling, that is regrettable. Only offering to split a packet of salt and vinegar crisps can save you.

Brighton is a city of choice for political party conferences and that, I think, is a mistake. The characteristics of these events do not allow a city to show off its best bits. Instead, you end up trooping around back streets looking for the various talks you’ve highlighted on your itinerary, that all struggle to find credible venues. Brighton is so much more than warm white wine from Pier Nine Casino, at a side event entitled ‘Rewilding Leicester with Keith Vaz’.

Britain’s sea side resorts haven’t had a great time of late. Ryanair will now take you, and sometimes your bag, to a whole variety of compelling European destinations for the price of a train ticket from London to Brighton. Indeed the most publicity Britain’s coastal communities have received in recent years was on a BBC infographic that pointed out they almost all voted for Brexit. Perhaps these things are connected. I think it’s a real shame, I loved the seaside growing up. I’d take a teeth shattering crunch of Brighton rock over sunburn on the Algarve any summer.