Copenhagen

Denmark has become a wind superpower. Roughly 10% of the wind farms in the whole world come from this small and flat country. It’s no surprise therefore that Donald Trump decided to plan an invasion of Denmark’s sovereign territory. He hates wind farms. Ultimately it’s all just a question of hot air.

You can’t enjoy Scandinavia if you aren’t partial to fish. I don’t make the rules. In Denmark, the best approach is to eat your fish cold on a small piece of brød. I went for herring, you could go for shrimp. Either way, it really is a treat. Those curried eels made me want to pack up and move here for good.

I decided to go to Copenhagen in February because it can't claim to be one of the loveliest places in the world if it is intolerable in the bleak midwinter. It held up its end of the bargain. It was alive without feeling busy and the intense cold was managed beautifully by the warm spots I dashed between. A street vendor lured me in for some sugared pastry he had recently fried, and I took the opportunity to place my face under a heat lamp. This bought me crucial minutes as I dashed for the restaurant that held my reservation. It rained at a couple of moments and that was quite dreadful, but only because I had forgotten to pack a hat.

Only if you accept that the outside is cold can you experience the rich pleasure of a warm beer cellar. Copenhagen was not short of beer pouring establishments, but I was determined to find one that was underground. I liked the feeling of being packed in, as if we weren’t sure whether we could rely solely on the heating. Somewhat paralysed by the extensive choice of beers over 8%, I ended up drifting through a haze of inebriation and germanic conversation. The locals know that it only takes three of the stronger stuff to be resilient enough to survive the cold cycle home.

Denmark was once, famously, invaded in five minutes. It explained why it was so easy for me to get into this military camp and walk around taking photos. Kastellet was once a 17th century fortress and is now, I presume, where the Danish military would hold out to fight back advancing military forces. Whereas steep hills might have stopped horseback knights, I’m pretty sure a special forces battalion might be able to plan their way into overcoming the large grassy knolls and water moats.

After said five-minute invasion, King Christian X demonstrated great honour by riding through his occupied city each day, to preserve the morale of his people. Exactly the kind of story that brings a tear to my eye and a fire to my belly. The royal apartments make for nice viewing, as if they too are proud of their former King.

Did you enjoy this despatch? Well you can get even more detail and hilarity from the Copenhagen Field Notes. £3.99 or free, if you recommend enough friends to read Six of Somewhere.