Port Douglas

The oldest in the world they say. The Daintree Rainforest, in Queensland, has been alive for over 120 million years. Although only recently named after a geologist. The Victorian era really was the time to be alive if you cared about things being named after you. Home to Mossman Gauge, it exists today as a blend of tourist hotspot, site of luxury hotel and a home for many indigenous Australians. Less excitingly, it’s also a great place to see a bush turkey. Despite their incompetent faces, these turkeys are clever enough to recognise that an air conditioning unit condenser will heat their nests. It is said that the water in the gauge has healing properties. I can’t be sure. Each day I dunked myself in an attempt to baptise my body free of the all-you-can-drink happy hour at my hotel. Something changed within me each time, but the headache persisted.

Some miles further south is the small community of Port Douglas, and then slightly further is Cairns. Port Douglas has a spring break feeling to it. A blend of young Australians who can’t wait to leave and old non-Australians who don’t heed the warnings about skin cancer. Almost every car in the near vicinity has seen better days, but you wouldn’t be surprised when someone quite good looking got out and pulled a surf board with them. Or perhaps for this community, scuba gear.

The mangroves in Port Douglas serve as an extraordinary barrier to tempests and extreme weather events. As soon as the warning goes out, each mariner brings their boat to the safe and calm waters of the mangroves, to ride out whatever catastrophe is making landfall. Regrettably, these waters are also filled with abandoned boats - something only possible thanks to laws many locals consider too permissive. Each year, another old boat sinks into the deep, making the water more dangerous for other boats. It is not rare for said boats to spill fuel and oil into the waters that, if left unharmed, are nature’s ultimate force field against a collapsing climate. Doesn’t it make you want to abandon your desk job and engage in some vigilante justice?

One of Port Douglas’ booming industries is weddings. You can see why. This picturesque chapel has a large window behind the altar that looks out onto the ocean and the rainforest. For many thousands of Australian Dollars you and the love of your life can say your vows in the kind of environment that people on Instagram wait a lifetime for. Sadly, you can’t enjoy the beach just behind the chapel, because it’s infested with crocodiles. Although, should you be marrying your other half simply to access their large financial assets, the beach might be exactly where you plan your wedding breakfast.

Don’t be upset that this isn’t a photo I took. I am an amateur and the Great Barrier Reef deserves something more professional. It was astonishing. Something I will remember for the rest of my life. I’ve dived and swum in many oceans and seas and never once experienced marine life like this. It helped that the crew we went out with were professional, scientific by nature and full of the kind of vibes that make NHS doctors relocate to Australia. My only regret was not shaving. For those of you in the know, lathering on vaseline to your upper lip has no dignity.

In an attempt to try and see some of the rarer wildlife in the area, I booked onto a river tour that advertised great crocodile viewings. It didn’t take me long after boarding to realise it was all a scam. The boat captain spent most of the outing complaining about the various people who had wronged him in the last 10 years and when it became clear we weren’t going to see any wildlife at all, the crew plied us with complimentary Pringles. As if to be sure we didn’t see anything alive, the final 20 minutes of the boat ride involved the boat captain playing his personal Spotify over the loud speaker. This was $40 I wasn’t getting back. You can’t have it all in this life, but it is important to smile when at the end of a crap boat tour, the captain crashes into the wharf.